First Birthday Mom Thoughts

I’m going through all the rituals.  Remembering the feelings, scents, trepidation and prayers. Lots of prayer.  Getting out my bleach.  I swear that I craved the scent of bleach with his pregnancy.  The house had to be smelling like bleach and coffee constantly.  Remembering being in labor and thinking “Drywall.”  As hard as I tried, I’m going to always associate the smell of drywall with Blake.  Something about the bathroom remodel that wasn’t quite done.  Meeting my sweet baby and thinking “He’s big, he’s really big.”  Realizing that I never hit the “I can’t go on” wall.  Praising God.  And now I’m crying.  Because I was so afraid for Blake through so much of my pregnancy, that he would come too soon.  That the homebirth would go awry. I fought fear, constantly.  And fear won, many times.  But God overcame every fear, and he took care of me.  He took care of me, and best of all he took care of our little Blake Lee.

Birth Story  >Here<

 I was for certain that I would go into labor early considering how many contractions I had every day, so I spent the last two weeks sleeping on the couch.  One morning I woke up to the passage of Matthew I have on our living room wall.  Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.  I couldn’t stop laughing.  That heavy laden part sure described me, but labor, she was still no-show.

And then my Bebe is one.  One year we’ve been gifted with him.  A year in which there were days where my nerves were shot from never being able to turn my back on The Kamie, not for fear of what she could do, but knowledge of what she would do.  Time when the line from a song kept playing through my head ‘Remember when, the sound of little feet- wasn’t music, we danced from week to week.’  Surviving colic.  Being elated the first time I figured out how to get a shower with both kids staying safe. 

I love this little guy.  Kissing his little round cheeks, hearing him say “Mama”.  The heartbreaking cries when I leave him with anyone.  Anyone but his daddy that is.  He adores his daddy.  I’ve loved watching him take his bowlegged first steps with arms upraised.  Crawling up the stairs and shaking Kamie’s crib until she wakes up.  Doing a late night hotel swim with him, cuz he just loves the hot tub.  Watching him ‘wrestle’ Bronz, then crying big ol’ sobs when the tractor leaves the driveway. Looking into his eyes and seeing this amazing little person.  A little person I met one year ago.

Happy Birthday!
Blake Lee